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This is what mental illness is.<\/p>\n
Depression is the inability to get out of bed even though you will eventually because you have to function. You may skip the shower though because what\u2019s the point anyway? And then on your days off you stagnate, head cloudy with negative thoughts about your life and your job and your performance and everything about your body. You\u2019re too fat, you have too much excess skin, you aren\u2019t exercising why aren\u2019t you exercising but what\u2019s the point of exercising you\u2019ll never live up to that expectation you have in your head. It\u2019s being so tired and wanting to sleep but waking up at intervals during the night-or oversleeping the next day. It\u2019s feeling like you\u2019re holding the weight of the world on your shoulders and crying because you can\u2019t take the pressure anymore.<\/p>\n
The lead up to a depressive episode is checking to make sure the routines you like to do are something you are doing. Am I making my bed? Cleaning my room? Going for a run? Am I starting to withdraw? Is the haziness beginning to come over you?<\/p>\n
\u2026sometimes, it’s a feeling that no one will miss you if you\u2019re gone\u2026maybe the world and your loved ones would be better off without you\u2026sometimes it\u2019s a feeling that you\u2019re not worth all the trouble so maybe it\u2019s time to think about ending it all\u2026<\/p>\n
Anxiety is that gut wrenching feeling of the world not being in the organized space and time you need it to be. The world is chaotic, and you can\u2019t understand or react in a way that\u2019s beneficial to you. You stress over the littlest tasks because you believe you\u2019ve done them wrong-all you ever do is something wrong. It\u2019s the pit in the bottom of your stomach when you have to rectify a mistake that might not even be caused by you; it\u2019s always your fault anyway, you\u2019re the problem. It\u2019s panicking and overthinking and rocking back and forth for self-soothing. It\u2019s clawing your arms and your scalp because that\u2019s the only grounding you have to help you; you know it\u2019s bad, you know it\u2019s not right, but god the overwhelming twisting in your stomach and pain in your chest hurts just a little less when you do it.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s the expensive therapy appointments and relearning how to counteract your brain\u2019s instincts to assume the worst. It\u2019s learning to be kind to yourself because all your life you\u2019ve been fighting the same battles so of course it\u2019s going to take just as long to recover. It\u2019s medicines and visits to psychiatrists to regulate the hormones and chemicals in your brain to the point of being functionally a human being again and not a dark, spiraling cloud about the burst.<\/p>\n
Mental illness is never mass shootings.<\/p>\n
Mental illness is never hating minorities, or women, or wanting to cause mass harm to so many people. It\u2019s not an ideology that everyone is inferior to you and they need to die (further from the truth, actually, everybody is better than me and I am a waste of space). Mental illness is turning the gun on yourself rather than on others. Mental illness is knowing how terrible you feel and never wanting to wish that on another person.<\/p>\n