![](\"http:\/\/msmagazine.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/WomanPrisonHand3-1024x683.jpg\")
\n#YouKnowYou\u2019reLockedUpWhen<\/p>\n
\n#YouKnowYou\u2019reLockedUpWhen<\/p>\n
People you once would’ve swiped left to are now right, right, right. A few years in and everyone’s a 10.<\/p>\n
You’ve thought of countless different ways to take yourself out and weighed the pros and cons of each.<\/p>\n
You start believing you’re in love with book authors, artists, musicians, poets who “speak to,” “understand” you that you’ll never meet and who are either twice or half your age.<\/p>\n
You become one of the two personality types: a) obsessed with showering as frequently and as long as possible, fantasize about it; b) shower not when your celly threatens to beat your ass, but only when they threaten to pour water on your TV.<\/p>\n
Torture is epitomized by the restaurant advertisement commercials on TV.<\/p>\n
You wake up just a few minutes before they ring the bell and bellow “COUNT!” in the morning because you’re #institutionalized<\/p>\n
Every single recipe you see in a cooking magazine you try to emulate, prison-style, with crazy substitutions. Every. Single. One.<\/p>\n
Someone asks you your religion, you respond with “David Sedaris.”<\/p>\n
Can sleep for 18 hours straight, because oblivion is the only way to Forget.<\/p>\n
You eat, sleep, self-mutilate, shit, repeat; Because Depression.<\/p>\n
Just managing to wash a few pairs of underwear is a major accomplishment for the day.<\/p>\n
You call people who (never) answer, and (never) will.<\/p>\n
Sex either dominates your thoughts or you become completely uninterested in it.<\/p>\n
You cease to care or care too much.<\/p>\n
“Who fucking cares, I’m gonna die here anyway.”<\/p>\n
You start to question your sexuality, when just a few months earlier you were bashing those who were “gay for the stay.”<\/p>\n
You take offense to drop-the-soap jokes and go to great lengths to explain why they’re so offensive.<\/p>\n
You’ve mastered multiple musical instruments, languages, academic subject areas, and The Art Of Keeping Pepper Spray Out Of Your Orifices When Shit Hits The Fan.<\/p>\n
You become more cynical than Diogenes. Woof.<\/p>\n
Prison Tip #1637: Don’t spit on people. Just don’t. K, thx.<\/p>\n
You get your skull bashed in with a lock-in-a-sock before 6 am count; what’s a ‘Good Morning?’<\/p>\n
You have to piss in a cup because the COs won’t let you out of your cell to use the common restroom. Not fun, trust me.<\/p>\n
Gel pepper spray sticks to the surfaces of The Block for weeks, continuing to burn and cause pain because it was just Created To Suck.<\/p>\n
You listen to officers’ radios, just ear hustling because you’re nosy and have a need to know what’s going on.<\/p>\n
Other incarcerated people usually do not make credible sources if they’re storytelling. Widely and ironically dubbed ‘inmate.com,’ they’ve been certified fake news by us pseudo fact checkers.<\/p>\n
When you hear someone say “I didn’t do it, what happened was…” you can’t help but roll your eyes and say “Frankly I don’t care if you did or didn’t, I still want you out of prison, like, yesterday.”<\/p>\n
You give yourself pathetic prison-hacked pedicures on the reg because some things never change.<\/p>\n
You start to look at your Prison’s Administration as omnipotent, omniscient, supreme Beings. You can’t help it– especially if they’re nice!<\/p>\n
While getting ready in the morning and loudly exclaim to no one in particular “Hmm, what outfit should I wear today? Cocoa Brown Uniform #1, Cocoa Brown Uniform #2, or Cocoa Brown Uniform #3?” At first glance they may appear the same, but #3 is your “Church Outfit” and #2 you’ve distressed for that Grunge Look.<\/p>\n
Your incarcerated lifestyle allows you to be More Hipster Than Most. Pshhh, sellouts.<\/p>\n
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